I'm so fucking centered right now
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
