My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
