I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
