Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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