I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
