the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
