He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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