ya dads aren't the best wingmen
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
