I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My bed is full of blood and feathers
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
