Pappa wants mamma naked
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
