My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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