I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
