So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
