I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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