I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
