I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
