did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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