24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
