I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
