Moan for me like Helen Keller
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
