My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
