mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
We named our party play list daddy issues
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
