The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize