ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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