I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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