he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize