The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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