Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize