so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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