Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
