Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
