i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
we should paint friendship bongs
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
