my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
