Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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