a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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