I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
