i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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