totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We left the knife in your bed.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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