just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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