Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My liver just had a heart attack.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
