It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
