you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize