They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize