never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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