Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize