sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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