I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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