mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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