apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
