Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
