i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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