we have pet lesbian snakes
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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