Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
