what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
