he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
