boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
