1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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