Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
