he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
