Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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