this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
