Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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