Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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