I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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