Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
