I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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