I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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