Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize